Letter To My Grandmother (iii)

Photo by Debby Hudson


This is the third and i believe final (public) letter i’m writing to you. You know me. You know I wouldn’t let it go till it got to three times, the third and amen, a number that makes sense to my idiotic need for repetition.

The last time i wrote to you we asked you to celebrate with us, to rejoice with me as i found myself surviving a phase i never thought we’d fully find the courage to make it out of. I still miss you as always, and i’m tempted to say it’s been a while since i talked to you but that wouldn’t be true. Because everyday in prayer i reach out across space and time to you, calling out to you in acknowledgment rituals, telling you and all those other spirits who surround my being how lonely i am in this world, until i remember and am reminded that i am surrounded. We are surrounded. But I wonder nnem, will you ever reach out back to me? And when? I know you are here and there but the difficulty of dealing with the abstract in my human essence is that i can only know your presence as abstract. I miss you.

A lot has happened since the last time i wrote to you a year ago. I bought a business, then i sold that business. I got into a relationship then i got out of it. I opened friendships then i closed them out. But none of those things come close to the unraveling of spirit as it should be in my life. Mama, you already knew my madness, now i know it too. And i guess you’d be happy to learn that i’m not opposed to it either. I’m just cautious, which as you know is my typical way, but i’m certain we’ll get through it; whatever this phase of spiritual awakening or transformation is, we’ll thrive in it. In all honesty i can’t say i feel like there’s much of a choice, and i’ve accepted that also.

How are you over there mama? Do any of the letters we write this way ever reach you? Do you get tired over there? I feel like the fatigue we feel in this body atimes cannot possibly belong or even come from just me. My eyesight has gotten a lot better, but then it hasn’t. I broke my glasses a long time ago and threw them into the bin. You know how i get when i feel we need to get rid of things, there’s no stopping my mind until i satisfy that feeling. 

I’ve been constantly reminded of how alone i am in this world mama. Not isolated, just alone. And i really dislike the kind of grounding that reminder offers me. It turns me to that part of myself that knows how to build walls, very tall, thick walls, ultimately leading to self sabotage. It’s just sad really but also it’s not, it’s simply protective.

Anyway, just so you know i’m back to ultimately collecting experiences. Yes, bucket lists, doing the things i like, not engaging in anything that tampers with my peace. Even though we’re at a place where it’s really difficult to imagine anything can possibly tamper with the kind of peace we’ve been gifted with. This is one of the things i am most grateful for mama, that peace that exceeds all forms of understanding, i have it. It resides in my chest and at the center of my being. And i know part of the reason i have it is i have you.

Looking back mama, as i close out this letter, all i have is gratitude. I am so grateful and thankful to have had you and to still have you. I am thankful for all the kind strangers who came through for me at my lowest moments. I am grateful for the opportunities i’ve had since the last time i wrote to you, to have met people who i felt so comfortable opening up to that it scared me. You know how i get when i feel myself losing control, i can’t stand it, i just can’t because it opens doors of insecurities (i believe) no human should be burdened with. Still i’m thoroughly grateful to have had those moments and to have gained my senses back quickly. I am grateful and really full of thanks mama, truly my life has been the kind of truth they say is stranger than fiction and i’d be a complete moron to not be grateful for every single good thing that comes to me. Did i tell you i got back into that whole having an ambition mindset thing where i attach business visions to it in the name of building some sort of legacy? Yes i did but for new reasons and now more than ever you know i could care less about public performance to say the least, which makes this time even more fascinating for me. I’m back to playing the game of life mama and you know i’m great at it.

You’ve always known me better than anyone else, sometimes even better than myself. I feel responsible for a lot of things which are directly related to people mama and i don’t know if this is good or bad, i really don’t know. I just know i feel responsible and we’re definitely going to do something about that sense of responsibility. 

Till we meet again Nne’m, stay with me.

I love you.

if you would like to read my first two letters here you go;

(*just click on the titles*)

a letter to my grandmother & Letter to my Grandmother ( II )

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