Dear Past Self; Another Piece From An Abandoned Journal

Dear Past Self,

Darling. Look how far we’ve come. I know how badly you wanted to die, I know how far you were willing to go to forget what you are - who you could be. I know. I was there the whole time, through it all. Waiting patiently, intervening whenever I could with an ailment or some madness. I was unwilling to give up on you. Don’t get me wrong, I had nothing against you dying in fact I needed your death to come alive fully but not in the way you wanted to take all of our lives. You did your time and for that we salute you. 

You did your time Darling. You tried to do your best with what you knew you wanted at the time. You always knew the time would come but the misdirections and idolatry of religion wouldn’t let you see clearly, so I had to cry out for help and take you out by any means necessary except any means that involved the rest of us dying with you. You were very good at a lot of things, like making money, being a good daughter to your mother’s, keeping government secrets, fucking people who taught they could outsmart the system up. You knew how to burn down lives ‘ethically’ without batting an eye. You were brutal in your field, even though no one could acknowledge your greatness publicly, you still did your jobs and managed to run businesses on the side like you would receive an award the next day infront of millions of people. You were a badass. One of the best. But we could not let you go on like that, no. We could not let you continue to disregard your agreement with us. So here we are. In a life a thousand years from the one you were living less than three years ago. 

Motherless. No family. No access to anything you built or accumulated. Alone. But awake and as mighty as ever. Content and at peace. This is only the beginning, as I have now taken up the responsibility for the work we came here to do. I hope you understand the kind of decisions we have to make going forward like letting go of you and who you were trying to become. Letting go of family ties and even the idea of restitution. We have work to do Darling, we have work to do. And if we can do them well enough in time then maybe I can join you fully, and finally the way we intended. 

I have to hand over your guilt as well, please ask mother and sister and brother, and father? To understand that my life, the one you lived, was not in vain at all. It was a vehicle. The only way I could arrive here with my eyes open and yours shut. 

Now rest in peace Darling and thank you for helping us remember why we are here.

this piece has been picked up by Around The Round Table UK to be published elsewhere.

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